Renungan diriku

"what the f##k have you done with your life lately?"



ni la ayat terakhir cerita Wanted yang aku tengok malam tadi. huuuu... feels like i got kicked in the balls, man. i mean, what HAVE i done with my life lately? this guy, Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) was the epitome of the word loser. and all he has was a shitty job with a bloated up boss who finds pleasure in pissing his staffs off, a cheating girlfriend, and a best friend that's screwing with his cheating girlfriend, and living with his girlfriend in a patethic apartment. if i was him, i'd shoot myself. and after a few days(i think) he's kickass assassin, blowing people's head off like watermelons, bend bullet trajectory, and can flip his car like a skateboard. that is so freaking cool. hmm.. but the old wesley wasn't much different than me in a way. doing my 9-5, go home, watch tv, sleep, and repeat that same cycle day in and day out. i wish there's more to life than.. than this. it's starting to wear me off. i'm tired. i want to do something more, something better, and not (just) in term of money either. i'm not saying i want to be an assassin. i want to do something that i really love. something that will give me satisfaction in doing it, and not just doing it for the sake of surviving the month. sigh.. well, back to the movie review. the movie was excellent. action-wise, it is top notch. with a lot of impossible stunts, crazy car chases and a LOT of shooting scenes. any action movie junkie will appreciate this. graphic wise, it's very good with a lot of emphasis went into the bullets. how they travel, the trajectory, the design of the bullet, how the bullet's mechanism (you'd be surprised) worked. and the weapons are all oh-so-sweet. story wise, it has a good plot, with a twist that is predictable, but still working nonetheless. and the message that the story wants to potray is grow some balls, be all you can, and don't get stuck in the mediocrity. go watch it guys, it's really awesome. i'd give it 5 stars out of 5.

and yesterday night after i finished watching Wanted, i went to a student's (and a good friend of mine) place of mine, to teach. he was one of my best students when he started class more than a year ago. every week that we had class is a pleasure for me, looking at him improving more and more each week. nailing down grooves and fills easily. he can learn new thing pretty quickly and i can see the amount of effort that went into his training really paid off. i can see the drive and passion for drumming in him then. but nowadays, he has been too busy with other things, with his life. with his work, his clients, his phD, his son, his new girlfriend (he's umm.... not young, and a devorcee. so you guys can understand right?). he said he hasn't got time for himself anymore. he just got a 50"(i think) plasma tv sitting in his living room, and a new HD-DVD player too, but he never got to enjoy those things because he's rarely home, and even if he's home he always have things to do. he has his own business, and business has been really good for him lately. he said currently, his revenue per month is the highest ever. but drumming wise, he hasn't been progressing like before. and for the last 2 months, he has been stuck at the same page of the lesson book. hmm... he still can't play his hi-hat foot properly. and his co-ordination and dynamics has really deteriorated. it has been frustrating for me as to him. but i think he's more frustrated because he said he still love drumming. he hasn't even touched his guitars for at least a couple of months (i can tell, they've been collecting dust on their guitar stands) so that he can focus on drums. but he just can't find the time to practice. so without practice, there's nothing much that i can teach him. because since he has a lot of things to do and think about nowadays, drums has started to go down on his priority list. it's really sad to see that even though he love drumming, he just can't afford do it anymore. i even asked him to consider quitting the class, but he said he has gone too far to stop now. so we've agreed that he have to find his drive again, his enthusiasm for drumming, before we can continue the lesson. and even after that, he still have to find time to practice. i hope he can find that spark again, because i hate losing good students like him. and what all that tells me is that even if he has money, that doesn't necessarily mean he's satisfied with his life. he's not because he doesn't have one.

and after i finished class, i started thinking about myself. i have always wanted to do things. a LOT of things. i have a list of books that i wish i can read. i wish to travel, to different places, to see new landscapes, to experience different cultures, and look at beautiful sceneries. i want to practice guitar and drums. i want to perform in front of other people. i want to really understand music and to understand why certain melodies can invoke certain emotions when people listen to it. i want to compose, i want to write good music that people will enjoy. i want to work out and lose some weight. i want to take care of my skin better. i want to learn kendo. i want to try boxing. i wish to learn to cook italian food. i have a lot more things that i want to do, but i forgot. but i'm always giving myself excuses on why i can't do them, like i don't have the right guitar, the jamming studio is too far, i'm tired, i don't have the right ingredients, i don't have money, and the most common excuse for me is time. i always say to myself i can't do this because i don't have time. there's always time. it's just how i manage it. i mean, yeah the 9-5 job has taken a lot of my time, but if i don't work, i won't even be able to write in this blog. so what's left is the time other than work. i have to cut down on a lot of unnecessary time wasting. the biggest culprit is the cursed idiot box, the TV. i know it's bad for me, but i can't stop myself from watching it. there's always things to watch like sports, CSI, Friends, Scrubs, animax, asian food channel.. and then, there's the internet. there's tons of stuff in there. i can surf all of my life without sleep till i die, and still i can't finish going through all of the interesting things that i can find in there. i need to cut down on those 2 to be able to squeeze some time into things that i want to do. god.. there's a shitload of things that i want to do, but so little time.. sigh.. you know what people say, time is golden. but it's not golden actually. it's the most valuable gift Allah has given us. more valuable than any gem, than any precious metal. time is the essence of life.

i want to be more than what i am now. i need to find myself again. i want to break this cycle. i don't want to be a sheep anymore. i want to be a wolf.